my name is Joy and i love.

there is a beast brewing inside of me. a monster clawing at my insides screaming for air punching the poison out of me. there is a war battle of the bulge cold and pearl harbor bombs and grenades exploding in my heart. there is a war taking place in my mind and it working its way into my soul. gun shot wounds and grazed fingertips i pick up this pen in preparation for battle. i come with the world on my bosom love breathing down my neck and hope glistening in the corner of my eyelids. i wonder. if this is what Whitney felt like like before she sniffed that first line of cocaine. if this is how she felt the moment she realized she had fallen in love with sin belting out praise praising for forgiveness from God creating beautiful hell shaking conviction filled melodies for the world to blindly two step bob their heads and fall in love to. when i am weary i close my eyes turn on “all the man i need” and imagine this was the soundtrack to the lovemaking that lead to my conception. close my eyes even tighter and dream about my savior and his unfathomable unconditional mercies. questioning my faith. how could i ever be so fixated on the love of earthly men when i am kissed on the lips every morning by God’s sweet grace. so selfish of me. to disregard the very blessing of life.